January 20, 2009

Dear Mom,

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. How I wish you could come behind me and wrap your arms around me like you did so often. I can almost hear and feel your lips on the top of my head, your hand wrapping up under my chin to caress my cheek. You were always so physical in expressing your love. Hugs and kisses. Touches and tickles. Always appropriate. Always appreciated.

Life is getting better. People are beginning to notice my smile and the way I sit. I guess I don’t look so depressed anymore and for that I am extremely grateful. I don’t feel so depressed anymore. Writing has gone from something to keep my head clear to something that purges my heart. I crave it the way an addict craves their drug of choice, but without the side effects and negative garbage. Writing brings me peace like nothing else has. I don’t even want to play my games nearly as often. Sometimes I do anyway because I’ve still got this part of me that tries to avoid writing, which is stupid since I love it, but I don’t crave the game like I did before. I crave words and not just any words. I crave MY words. Well, I guess they’re Father’s words since I pray for his guidance, but what I’m trying to say is that I crave the words that sprout forth under my fingertips. I LIKE the stories that are coming onto the page. I like them better than most books I could read. That’s a cool thing.

I had Young Women’s tonight and the leaders were really good about asking how I was doing. It was like they suddenly weren’t afraid to ask me anymore. They can see the difference and are so relieved. I guess they think about me and worry. It’s nice to know they care, though I do hate making them worry about me. It means a lot that they do though.

I want to go to bed soon because I’m having a hard time getting up in the morning and that makes things difficult for the kids. I need to get up earlier so I have to go to bed earlier, whether I want to or not. Thus, this letter will probably only be one page today as it’s almost 1:30 am, but I feel so much better when I do this at the end of my day. It helps me sleep better and start my day more peacefully. I’m not sure what to tell you about. I miss you so very much, but the memories are beginning to not be quite so painful. I’m finding joy in many of them rather than tears. I like that. I like it a lot. I want to be happy to remember you, not pained and saddened. I know you are happy and I know you would want me to be that way as well.

Anyway, I guess that’s it for tonight. Know that I love you, but I am beginning to be okay. You knew I would be and tried to tell me. This is the first time I’ve actually been able to believe it. It’s happening. It doesn’t mean I forget you, because I can promise that will never happen, it’s because I can finally find peace. I know you’re where you want to be and enjoying getting to know Grandma Rainy and catching up with Grandma and Grandpa and Daddy. I wouldn’t deny you that and I am learning to get along without you. My house could use some of your touch, but I’ll get that down eventually. I have to. If I don’t it will bury me, just like you always said. Stay close, Mom. I miss having you gone. At least if your spirit is near and listening I won’t feel quite so alone.

Eternally yours,

Karen