January 11, 2009

Dear Mom,


I probably won’t write for long tonight. It’s 12:30 and I’m tired, but I have felt so much better writing to you over the past couple of nights and it’s something I’d really like to continue to do daily for a while. Today was the most peace I’ve felt in quite a while. It was very refreshing and comforting and oh so needed. I’m not sure if you had something to do with that or if it was the letters or the holy ghost, but I’m gratefully no matter where it came from.

We didn’t go to church today. We probably could have, but I wasn’t up to it and Birdy had thirty pages of homework to finish before the night was up. I’m really hoping he learned a lesson this time around and will start turning in his homework and doing schoolwork. He had to do over sixty pages of makeup work in only five days. It was ridiculous. At least it’s done now. He turns it in tomorrow and the end of the week means the end of the quarter so he’ll have a new start soon.

I still haven’t sold your truck. I know I should. You’re certainly not using it and I don’t use it very often, but having it sitting in the driveway has given me the illusion that you’re just next door or just came home. I haven’t been able to get rid of it. I didn’t want to. It was like the last little piece of you remaining and when it was gone you would really be gone too. I couldn’t stand the thought, but it’s easing a bit now. I think by spring I’ll actually be able to let it go. I don’t want to, but we really don’t need three vehicles for two drivers and we need the van more than the truck. Besides, I need to pay my bills and I can’t do it without selling your truck, not once Mr. A leaves.

Oh, yeah, did I tell you? We have a renter. It’s crazy how it all came about and I’m sure you had something to do with it on that side, but he’s a great guy. A school teacher. Single. Sixtyish. Really nice and we hardly ever see him. It was hard having to get all of your stuff out of your space so quickly but he has been a real blessing to us. I’m grateful that he’s here, even if it does mean the kids are still squished in the bedroom together. We’ll get them separated eventually.

Stacy W. is coming out here to do a presentation to my Jr. High writing club this week. She’s the editor who has my book and I genuinely hope she’ll be taking it to her publisher. It would be so awesome to finally get published and get my career moving forward. I think I’m finally ready to write again. I’ve been feeling the bug nibble at me for a bit now, but today it’s almost overwhelming. Gary and I had a brainstorming session on the book he wants to write and though I’d never steal his idea, I’d sure love to write that book. It’s an awesome idea. It could be such an awesome book. I told him if he decides not to write it to pass it on. I’ll do it. Of course I still need to write your book, but I’m going to need some help on it. If you don’t mind, I may end up asking Haley to help me. She wrote her autobiographical account of her experience with Anorexia Nervosa. I wish you’d had the chance to read that book. It was fantastic and you would have loved meeting her, especially knowing we’re family. She’s a survivor, just like you, and I just know you two would have loved each other.

Tristi’s daughter wrote me an e-mail asking questions about massage therapy tonight. It was fun answering and telling her a little about massage. It was also interesting to realize how much I love it while I was talking about it. Sometimes I forget and it was good to be reminded.

I still miss you, but it’s not quite so painful to remember today. I’m grateful for that. I’d like to reach a point where remembering brings joy rather than pain. I’m heading in that direction, I think, but I can only take it a day at a time and see where I’m going that day. Hopefully tomorrow will be another glorious one and I can have some energy to get a few more things done. Maybe even some writing. I’ve got some first chapters to write to submit to the contest this year and it would be nice to take them to my critique group before I submit them to the contest. I’d love to get their feedback and make them something more than just a first draft this time around. I’d love to submit knowing I had truly done my best for a change. I don’t know if I can win, but at least I know I’ve got a good shot at it. Past experience has proven that.
I think I’ll go to bed now. I’m really tired. Too many late nights with not enough sleep. The boys thought they had their late start Monday tomorrow, but it turns out they don’t have one in January. Birdy will be disappointed, I’m sure, but I’m glad I didn’t let him save any of his homework to do tomorrow as now there will be no time.

There’s so much still to tell you and yet I can’t seem to find the words. Tristi reminded me in an e-mail that you and I knew how much we loved each other and what a blessing that was for us. She said she admired our relationship and was trying to create such a one with her mother. Isn’t it nice to know that something as profound as our love could inspire someone else to want that as well? You are just that kind of person, Mom. People can’t help but love you and I am certainly one of them. You shared the best and deepest part of yourself with me and for that I will be forever grateful. You showed me what a righteous woman could be and you are my hero for all eternity. I wish you knew how much I really love you. Perhaps my love is no stronger than your own. I couldn’t have had a better mother. You were everything I needed and taught me everything I really needed to know.

I love you. Spread the love around to the family up there for me. I know I say that every time, but I want them to know that they are not forgotten either. They are loved and treasured and an inspiration to me. I only wish I could have passed their genes on to another generation. I can’t change the path that has been given me. I can’t pass on the genes, but I can pass on the love and knowledge that has been taught me. I can give my sons something they wouldn’t have had before they were mine. They know who they are, and that is worth more than all the money in the world.

Love for all eternity,

Karen