Friday, January 9, 2009

January 9, 2009

Dear Mom,

The psychologist said writing you letters would help me continue to keep our relationship alive and since I believe so strongly in an afterlife and know that you truly are not far away, it is the only way I have left to communicate with you and has always been the way I communicate best, so here I am. I’m writing letters to a dead woman who is still very much alive in my heart and mind.

I miss you so much. Some days it feels like someone has scooped all my insides out and I’m nothing but a shell of the person I used to be. I don’t know how to cope. I don’t know how to live. I don’t know how to be me without you. You’ve always been my biggest supporter and greatest friend. You’re the person who always told me I could do anything and truly believed it and by so believing made me believe it. I feel so lost without you. I’m afraid I’ve not made the best use of my time these last few months. I keep trying to escape the pain instead of dealing with it and I know that you would have said that’s okay for a while, but that I needed to face it eventually. That time is coming and fast. I know I need to be writing again and I know I need to take care of my family and home needs. I’ve just been so depressed since losing you that just thinking of doing dishes or leaving the house, or even getting dressed is almost more than I can bear.

I don’t know who I am without you! Jenny said you didn’t raise me to be your shadow, and part of me knows that’s true, but there’s another part of me that feels as if I was exactly that. You always had such a big personality I felt small in comparison and yet priveleged to be near you, to be a part of you. Now that the light shines directly on me I’m not sure what to do. I’m frozen in the spotlight and try to hide instead. The problem is, I was the shadow and now there is no shade to hide in. I’m stuck in the sun and melting from the heat.

I wish I could sit down with you at your kitchen table like we used to do. I wish I could hold your hand and talk and cry for a while. You were always so good at taking care of me, of making me see through the pain to the heart of things and I just can’t seem to do it on my own. I find myself reaching out more to others, which is a good thing, but they don’t know me like you did. They don’t know how to read me and they don’t know just that right thing to say to get me to see through the fog. I am alive, but I’m certainly not living and the ache inside of me is so deep it seems endless. I don’t even want to take care of myself anymore. I keep thinking I’m eating myself to death, almost hope it sometimes so that I can be with you again, but I know it’s not my time. I have a purpose still in this life. I just can’t seem to get enough of a handle on my emotions to move forward with it once again. I’m really hoping that these letters will help me move past the worst of the hurt so that I can at least think and feel again.

Inside of me there is a little kid crying out for her mama. That’s the part that hurts the most. Life is too short. I understand that saying so much more fully now. My time with you was much too short, though it certainly was treasured. You taught me what it meant to be a true mother. You taught me the meaning of service and selflessness. You taught me how to teach and helped me gain a testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. I may not have the same passion for it that you did, but I believe. I believe with all my heart that it’s true.

Why can’t you have stayed, just for a little while longer? Were you needed so desperately on that side? Were you holding me back from progressing? Is it my fault you’re gone? I certainly hope that isn’t true. I begged and pleaded with the Lord to let you live. I wanted you to stay so much and the pain of losing you seems almost more than I can bear. I don’t know where to turn for peace and solace. Or the one person I know I should turn to I’m kind of mad at because he took you home before I was ready. Maybe I would never have been ready, but right now I don’t understand the timing and I just want you back. Back home with me. Here. Now. I feel like you took part of me home with you and I don’t know how to function anymore. I know I keep saying that but it’s been the hardest thing for me. I’m so depressed I can’t seem to do anything. I almost wish they would put me on medication just to numb some of the pain. I feel somedays as if I’m going to turn inside out for all the hurt. I hate it. I hate hurting like this. I hate being unhappy and miserable and I hate not being able to do my jobs because of this depression. My calling and my family are suffering and I don’t know what to do.

You’ve certainly brought some wonderful people into my life since your passing and helped me realize the blessing of the true friends I’ve already got. Haley has been an inspiration. Tristi and Julie have shown that they are true friends, not just encouraging authors. Shanna has stepped up and shown herself as a real friend as well. And then there’s Shari, who I knew would always be there for me, but she has gone well beyond what I’d ever expected. Gary too has stepped up and is becoming the man I’ve seen inside for so long. We still have a ways to go to fix our relationship completely, but we are certainly on the path that leads to the kind of relationship I think we both want. There is a kindness, patience, and gentleness in him once more that I’ve so terribly missed and I find myself reaching out to him more. I guess I depended on you a lot more than I’d realized. Iwish I’d done something about it before, but I’ll take what I can get now. He is a good man. I’m glad you always thought so, despite your frustrations with him.

Well, Mom, I’m not sure what else to say at this point. I’m glad you’re happy being with Daddy and Grandma and Grandpa and Grandma Rainy, but I miss you. I saw you, you know. I had a vision of you when you took your last breath and rose up from your body and straight into Daddy’s arms. I saw the look of pure joy on your face and it is the one thing that has brought me the greatest peace. But still I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your holding my hand and stroking it with your thumb. But most of all, I miss your hugs. They were the safest, most wonderful place I could ever be and I miss the security and safety of your arms. Give Daddy a great big hug from me. Share each other and know I’d give anything to be with you both.

I hope you’ll let me know when you’re near and will stop in every now and then. Even though it’s hard when you leave again, knowing you’re close by gives me a lot of comfort for a time. I hope I’m not a disappointment to you now that you see the real me from the other side. I only ever wanted to make you happy, but I am so very imperfect.

Know that I love you.

Yours for eternity,


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