Monday, January 12, 2009

January 12, 2009

Dear Mom,

I can’t sleep tonight. It’s a quarter to four in the morning and I can’t stop thinking about you. I was remembering you leaning on the grocery cart as you’d poke your head around the corner at the bakery, your cane resting diagonally in the basket. You always broke out in a smile when you’d see me, as if just seeing my face made you happy. I miss that so much.

The tears are back tonight. I’ve been doing really well since starting these letters but tonight all of a sudden I’m hurting again, aching so bad it feels like I’m going to turn inside out. I want to sit down and talk with you or at the very least give you a call. You’re not supposed to be dead! You were supposed to live another decade or more and I just can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that you are truly and completely gone. I haven’t felt you near much lately. I want to, but when I do think I feel you I keep questioning if it’s just me wanting it so bad that I imagine you there, or if your spirit really is coming to check on me.

Anyway, I can’t sleep but I’m exhausted. I’ve got Young Women’s tonight and don’t want to do anything. I hate being depressed like this. I found a couple of online groups that help with depression and hope to find some answers and peace through this. Anyway, I’m going to try to sleep now. I’m getting tired even though I’m still sad. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep. I don’t know what else to say except that I love you and miss you so much. I wish you could come home to me.

Love for eternity,


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